1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”
This one ranks in at number one on the “duh” list. Of course we’re afraid. We’re terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds —but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they’re scared of dying.
2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here’s why: it’s not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we’d get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We’re not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.
3. “At least he’s not in Iraq.”
This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.
4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
Don’t you watch the news? No! They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.
5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?”
Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there’s a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don’t get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.
6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren’t counting down the days until they “can” get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.
7. “This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it.”
Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments you’ve gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets “easy” and the bullets and bombs don’t skip over our guys just because they’ve been there before. The worry never goes away.
8. “My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.”
This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband’s three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a shitty ford Taurus with Mercedes convertible.
9. “Wow, you must miss him?”
This one also gets another big “duh”. Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they’re now divorced.
10. “Where is he exactly? Where is that?”
I don’t expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it’s in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they’re on the news every night and in the papers every day —and on maps everywhere.
11. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there.
Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn’t sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that “You’re welcome.” He’s still fighting for your freedom.
12. “Don’t you miss sex! I couldn’t do it!”
hmmm, (edit). Seriously … military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn’t withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.
13. “Well in my opinion…..”
Stop right there. Yo, I didn’t ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a restaurant when I’m out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our butts off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we’re trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.
Last but not least….
14. “Oh, that’s horrible…I’m so sorry!”
He’s doing his job and he’s tough. Don’t be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our military fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad and you stay safe.
Kristina Tipton is married to a Navy Seabee who has deployed three times, including a tour in Iraq. Stationed in Naples, Italy, she and her husband Tim have two children.
[Editor's Note: The War Report teamed up with AOL and MyDaily.com to bring you stories about the issues facing military families in the United States. Read the entire series here.]
[Photo Credit: http://www.helpamilitarywife.com/]
Uh, “Iran is a major threat to our country”, I agree with each of your points that each of these are insensitive things to say to a military wife, but don’t be a jingoist.
Our husbands are put in harm’s way everyday and I fail to understand the wives that rally behind this “let’s fight” mentality.
Personally, I get more upset at the politicians and Americans that support putting our men in harm’s way for little/no good reason than the insensitive things people say.
That’s the real travesty and dirty little secret here – that our men (married and unmarried who are still sons/brothers) are off being killed, maimed, and pulled away from their lives here for the financial, mineral, and energy interests of a select few.
I have no delusion that my family members are off fighting for Halliburton’s bottom line and not our security. Yes, there were a few thing we needed to do to defend our nation, but that ended about three days after 9/11 (a bit of an exaggeration).
Our husbands aren’t (and should not be confused for) nation builders (nations aren’t built by armies, they’re built by the native people in their own self-deterministic movements, and we can’t “help” them with that – which is why I’m glad we’re keeping our noses out of Egypt, Libya, Tunisia, etc).
They’re warfighters. They will pick up arms to defend us. Leave them to that and don’t abuse their volunteer commitment and patriotism for vitriol, xenophobia, and enforcing the financial interest of a select few.
Dear Annylop:
It is an honor for me to defend your right to express your opinion in public. You are welcome.
Thank you, Maria. Couldn’t have put your response to annaylop any better. My husband, too, says, “You’re welcome!” Not only does she have the right to her own opinion about what is really happening, but she also has the freedom to not read this if she doesn’t like it. I love and approve of Kristina’s article. Proud Navy wife of 23 years!!
THANK YOU TO ALL THE MEN AND WOMEN OVER SEAS AND THOSE THAT ARE WAITING FOR THEM TO COME HOME!!!!
Thank you Maria for your service on OUR behalf; and thank you Kristina for saying what so many of us have thought. There will always be those who don’t know any better than to say the wrong thing. This article was an attempt to show those same folks, just how their comments and questions were perceived. It appears that even when it is spelled out for them some people (annaylop)can’t think beyond their own tiny lives. That’s okay, my husband and I say “You’re welcome” for defending your right to speak your mind. While we pray for our loved ones in harm’s way, we will continue to pray for the likes of you as well.
Proud military wife of 24 years.
Honestly I can only think of a few things that ARE appropriate to say.
1. Is there anything I can do for your family?
2. We’re praying for you.
3. THANK YOU!
E8USAFwife: Good advice, thanks!
Thank you for your husbands service to keep me free. Thank you for your support and dedication to a true american hero. Thank you!
We love and support our son as well as each and every member of our military forces. We agree with everything in this article. One of our greatest frustrations is that people seem to forget that these guys and gals have parents that don’t need all of those insensitive, thoughtless comments either. Already the worry and fear for our son’s safety is setting in as he prepares for his next deployment. All we ask is for your prayers for the saftey of our young men and women whether you agree with the war or not!
I think your responses to this question were extremely self-righteous. I have four good friends married to men in the branches of the military and have been there for them through many tough deployments. None of them seem to take the same “woe is me” approach that you do and frankly I think you give military wives and families a bad name. Yes, there are people in the world who are insensitive, stupid, and take for granted that we live in this country but there are plenty of people who appreciate it every day.
From what you’ve said it seems like people have an honest curiosity or are trying (not in the best way) to be supportive and you’re jumping down their throats. If you wanted to actually explain what it was like to people who aren’t military wives in a constructive way, you failed. You seem condescending and ignorant.
All that being said, it’s a great thing what these men do and they should be honored.
I appreciate the list of things that needs to be asked! I would also like to add this statement… I am a spouse of an amputee wounded warrior, still on active duty, was stationed @ Ft Belvoir (outside DC/close to Walter Reed, where all military wives are abundantly supported whether their husbands are active duty, deployed, retired, and in my case, wounded… I know that all soldiers who have been put in am’s way are affected in many, many ways whether physical, emotional or mentally because of what they’ve been through! Now, we’re living in Houston, TX where you would think as a family, we would have an opportunity with ALL the people here… we could get support from our communities. Many of our communities, whether Church, sports or school, don’t really understand what a military spouse of a wounded, active duty soldier’s life is really like! Oh, add in the fact that he has prosthetic problems, suffers from PTSD and other issues… that have seriously impacted their family emotionally. As one of those spouses, I would like if people would just call and say, “hi, how’s your day been? Is there anything I can do to help with today? Do you just need someone to listen and not give advice? Etc.” But no, under the stress we are under… not living on a military post or near a military community, they seem to take everything out of proportion! My spouse is now a somewhat a “deployed” spouse (again) because he’s back in a WTU-warrior transition unit in another city/military post to receive all the help needed that he wasn’t receiving in Houston… It’s very hard to live on the economy/living not on/near a military post. Nobody is really there to help you financially when you receive a BAH… people think we make too much to receive assistance or help! Well, when your Basic Allowance for Housing only covers your rent, there are still difficult financial times! Why can’t the “real world” understand this… I’m sorry, yes I did marry a soldier, but a “normal” man! Yes, we now have a “new normal”. But please understand we’re doing the best we can/I ! Don’t be so quick to call CPS. Our children are affected in serious ways, also! Then throw in the fact that we may actually get 1/2 of our paycheck this Friday! Just please continue to pray for them, their soldier and their children! God Bless those who understand all this or doesn’t, so they might gain the understanding of our lives. I’m NOT saying a soldier’s spouses’ problems/situations are more impo
I appreciate the list of things that needs to be asked! I would also like to add this statement… I am a spouse of an amputee wounded warrior, still on active duty, was stationed @ Ft Belvoir (outside DC/close to Walter Reed, where all military wives are abundantly supported whether their husbands are active duty, deployed, retired, and in my case, wounded… I know that all soldiers who have been put in am’s way are affected in many, many ways whether physical, emotional or mentally because of what they’ve been through! Now, we’re living in Houston, TX where you would think as a family, we would have an opportunity with ALL the people here… we could get support from our communities. Many of our communities, whether Church, sports or school, don’t really understand what a military spouse of a wounded, active duty soldier’s life is really like! Oh, add in the fact that he has prosthetic problems, suffers from PTSD and other issues… that have seriously impacted their family emotionally. As one of those spouses, I would like if people would just call and say, “hi, how’s your day been? Is there anything I can do to help with today? Do you just need someone to listen and not give advice? Etc.” But no, under the stress we are under… not living on a military post or near a military community, they seem to take everything out of proportion! My spouse is now a somewhat a “deployed” spouse (again) because he’s back in a WTU-warrior transition unit in another city/military post to receive all the help needed that he wasn’t receiving in Houston… It’s very hard to live on the economy/living not on/near a military post. Nobody is really there to help you financially when you receive a BAH… people think we make too much to receive assistance or help! Well, when your Basic Allowance for Housing only covers your rent, there are still difficult financial times! Why can’t the “real world” understand this… I’m sorry, yes I did marry a soldier, but a “normal” man! Yes, we now have a “new normal”. But please understand we’re doing the best we can/I ! Don’t be so quick to call CPS. Our children are affected in serious ways, also! Then throw in the fact that we may actually get 1/2 of our paycheck this Friday! Just please continue to pray for them, their soldier and their children! God Bless those who understand all this or doesn’t, so they might gain the understanding of our lives. I’m NOT saying a soldier’s spouses’ problems/situations are more important than anyone else’s, but please be as empathetic as possible…
I think that us as military wives are strong. I know we have one of the toughest jobs but the Soldiers jobs are tougher. yes they signed up but they miss alot and have no choice. they deploy on a moments notice missing alot! that is tough for them.I also believe that America being one of the biggest players in the United Nations has an obligation to band with the other countries to assist them in making their countries judicially fair. our country has been successful for over 200 YEARS! obviously we are doing something right and as kind, diverse, positive role models in the world we should continue to remain in that light and assist other countries in rebuilding their homeland to a better livable society for everyone! I AM A PROUD WIFE OF A UNITED STATES SOLDIER! US ARMY WIFE HOOAH! SSgt Reyes I love you baby
Another one to be added is the,” When does he/she go back?” We hear it alot and honestly it makes us infuriated. yes he is proud… we all are and yes it sucks and he does volunteer to go back over and over but because they come so far and still make so much progress. There is plenty more to be done and his mindset is I have been before and I have seen alot done alot been through alot so my expeirance is a great asset over there. yes he hates leaving us and misses us but he knows We understand and support him and everyone. so when they are home… the last thing they want to hear is when are you going back… they are home… focusing on home and not overseas… plus it makes them feel like you dont want them here. at the same time everyone is saying stop the war they are asking our service members when they go back… yes unintintional but think before you speak! please!
I love this article, it is so true and funny. My husband is in the navy and away, this was just what I needed sitting here at work and missing him. Military wives are cut from the finest cloth and I am honored to stand with all of you in the Silent Service.
My husband is currently overseas and this has been wonderful! Thank you!
Annaylop, ask the “native” people of the countries our Husbands have been deployed to how they feel about our military… Our Military is a HUGE helping hand and has been in Iraq and Afghanistan. We have many interpreters who come from these and surrounding countries in our military’s and they have chosen to come over to the USA and train with our military and help them as translators because of their appreciation for what we have done to help them and their country. There are men that come over from these countries that were forced by conflicts to shoot someone at the age of 7 to protect their family. You say “Our Husbands” but I have to question if your Husband has ever been deployed to these countries because anyone who has has the experience with the people of these countries to know we are doing good and would be horrified to hear their wife belittle what we are doing. Yes it sucks our troops sacrifice their lives but the statement you made cheapens their sacrifice. What your saying makes it sound like our men and woman are out there dying for nothing and they are not. I am proud of them and what they stand for. They are NOT fighting these wars in vain. They are out there not for your theory of “the bottom line” but to improve the lives of PEOPLE. Every PERSON deserves to live a peaceful life and not be dictated or fear being shot or bombed while walking down the street. Our Husbands are fighting for peoples freedom. Your opinion seems to suggest you believe we as Americans deserve freedom but we shouldn’t bother to help other human beings to get the same rights we have the luxury of thanks to our military. I don’t care what country you are from we are all humans and deserve basic rights. My Husband fights for the rights of ALL people not just arrogant Americans.
Who ever is in the military deserves to get shot in the head. How are those countries a threat they are on the opposite side of the world they aren’t in ur country with guns and tanks. If ur in the military or support people get shot u deserve to burn in hell. Military money should go towards cancer research or hospitals or even students.
@AK
Get lost, Troll!
@ AK you are the kind of pathetic scum our husbands defend on a daily basis. You are welcome that you can spread your vile comments and not be persecuted for them. Not to mention how ignorant you are that the sailors and soldiers, don’t control where the money goes. You must be a very sad and lonely person to want to spread such garbage and hate. I will pray for you………….
I think this list is getting too nit-picky with some of them. Sometimes non-military wives say things like “Wow, you must miss him” or “I’m Sorry” because they may not know what to say or be a Johnny-On-The-Spot to say something more appropriate than that. At least, they want to say something rather than nothing to express their empathy. Rather than insult those people, maybe that should be thought about too. Just another perspective from a female military member.
I do agree on a majority of those though.